Sunday, June 6, 2010

Febreezing a urine soaked pig

I should have known I'd switch career goals. While incredibly theatrical and dramatic, I was not destined for the life of an actress. There are reasons for this, the most notable being that it is difficult for me to get into a role without feeling like an ass. This is exemplified by my being cast (without an audition) as the role of Goose in Charlotte's Web. I was 20 years old and felt like a moron repeating my words. "Why hello, hello, hello. I'm the goose, goose goose!" Mortification hits me as I write this.

I was an intern for a reputable PA theater group. I was cast as the goose in order to help with the child actors of the goslings. I had to herd them onto the stage and then wrangle them off to the tunes of the "Ooohs and aaaahs" of the audience. While backstage during a performance one of the doe eyed curly headed gosling showed me her water bottle. Her father had lovingly picked mint from their yard to make her water even more refreshing. She gulped and gulped and then encouraged me to taste it, I did and it was quenching and delicious.

A few moments later we were on stage when I felt her tug at my mormon-esque skirt. She whispered, "I had to go to the bathroom." It only took me a second to realize the incorrect tense of this sentence. I then looked down at the urine spreading across the stage into the hay of Wilbur's bed. I used my improv skills and ushered my little goslings off the stage. Luckily my paper mache bill hid my laughter and my acting skills hid the fact that something was wrong. Out of the corner of my eye as we departed the stage, I could see poor Wilbur (played by a 13 year old boy) make his way to his cozy bed of hay and happily roll in it. His amazing acting skills hid his realization that the hay was wet. Now that really is "some pig". During a scene change, I febreezed the poor plush pig costume and pushed him back onto the stage to finish the play.

I'm having some water with mint as I write this and realizing that while I was a piss poor actress (pun intended), I'm a damn good special ed teacher who can handle wet pants with style and grace.