Friday, October 7, 2011

I'd watch me if I were a show.

"Most people wouldn't be able to handle this, let alone find it funny."-my friend Hubbard in reference to my recent dating disaster spree.

People put down reality TV. I can see why. Rich people get boring. However I do give major props to Kourtney Kardashian for her "People are dying," response to her sister's tears over a lost, insured $75,000 earring. I also caught a glimpse of the Situation throwing his own head into a wall and found that to be gold. With the exception of Kourtney's lessons on perspective and the Situation doing to himself what millions would like to do to him, reality TV can be monotonous.

On the other hand with a laugh track sitcom, you have to pay people to write scripts and then hire actors, and the majority of the time my actual life is more interesting. Maybe the cast is less attractive and the series lacks cliff hangers but I would say that compared to the new fall lineup on most networks, I win. Charlie Sheen like winning where you're winning a contest at failing.

I don't have a reality TV show, but I do have internet access to a free blog in which I can share my misery with others for a cheap (actually free) laugh.

I signed up for online dating which has provided an incredible amount of blogging material and not much else except a lack of sleep and faith in love.

I had a date last month at a hip bowling alley/pizza place. We agreed on 5:30. You can imagine my surprise when my phone buzzed with the text- "I'm here." at 4:20. When I said "Oh, I thought we were going to meet at 5:30", he said "whenever you're ready". While showering my phone buzzed again and the screen lit up with the question, "Should I order so the food is ready when you get here?". I wanted to call in a bomb threat to the bowling alley but technology is so good now a days that I'd probably get caught.

I arrived at 5:25 to face the lemonade sipping tiny man who made my 5'2 stature comparable to Khloe Kardashian. He also insisted we share a pizza instead of getting a pizza for one. This wouldn't have been such a big deal but he also insisted on getting a plain pizza in a place known for it's creative toppings. Let me get my own damn pizza.

The conversation was awkwardly boring with the exception of his disdain for a cancer survivor coming back to work at the hospital that helped him. "Like we need his help," he lamented. It also is painful when someone says, "I think this is going well, don't you?", and you want to through your own head into a wall like the Situation.

Luckily the date only lasted an hour, and I wished I had had him order for me to make it even quicker. He ended the date with an, "I'll call you and if you don't pick up I'll text you because I don't like to leave voicemails." He was true to his word, and while I felt stressed over letting him down, the wisdom of Kourtney rang in my ears. "There are people dying." True, this isn't a big deal and while men have taught me how to do the slow fade, I decided it was kinder to lie. "It was great to meet you, but I'm going to pursue another match. Good luck." He immediately took down his online profile and I can only hope that it's because that early bird did find his worm.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My Life: A Series of Disappointments

Before reading this blog, please visit and create your own speed dating expectation.

Disappointment- when ones expectations are not met.

I realize that often my expectations remain unsatisfied, even my low ones for basic human interaction. I had set the set the bar just about grazing the ground for speed dating, so how could I experience disappointment? I had expected awkwardness, uncomfortable moments, the challenge of suppressing laughter--I just expected about 1o dates worth of these.

I am an early person. I allow time for traffic, parking, protests, flooding, granny drivers, Godzilla reenactments and detours. This is part nature and part of the nurture that the city of Boston has given me. The event says to arrive at 8:00 to sign in. I arrive at 7:58 and am given a number 1 to wear as in I am the first loser here. I then sit at the bar for 35 minutes alone, the kicker being that I paid $17 to do this (thank you groupon, because if I paid the full $35 it would have really steamed my clams). The soundtrack to my life kicked in as the bar played, "I Don't Wanna Be Lonely No More" and "Me, Myself and I". Why not throw on "All By Myself" for the hat trick?

Finally after paying to sit alone at a bar on a Tuesday night, the event commences. I look around the room at 3 men and 3 women and take a swig of Sam Adams.

Date 1: Nice guy, just no chemistry. We end up discussing maggots on cheese, and if the maggots would actually make the cheese beneath better. This was my best date.

Date 2: Me sitting alone for about 6 minutes. Wait, this was my best date.

Date 3: Again nice enough guy. He tells me his day is hectic and he works from 8am-8pm. He then goes on to tell me that he takes an hour for lunch, an hour for dinner, works out there and then has a ping pong tournament daily. Today I had to remove a student from taunting me while dancing on a toilet seat who later bit me. I think our definitions of hectic work days might clash a bit.

Date 4: The guy asks me if I like to watch sports. I answer that I love going to games, but don't enjoy watching them on the old boob tube (I didn't say boob tube, but in retrospect I wish I did). I tell him I love playing sports and being active. He says, "I'm gonna be honest with you Kate, it's a struggle for me to be active. Work has been so demanding, I've been putting in 65 hour work weeks." I sympathetically respond, "Wow! What could you possibly do for 65 hours a week?" He responds "Deliver pizza. (pause). It puts a real strain on my car." I then ask about mileage reimbursement. He answers followed by creepily staring at me. I ask if he's okay, he responds. "We are just having an awkward silence." I appreciate the narration.

I return my matches page blank.

I'll take "Me, Myself and I".