Friday, July 17, 2009

I won't be on a match.com commercial


So a friend of mine will be getting married next August thanks to Match.com. My experience was not such a fairytale. In fairness to the site, I am cynical and make fun of just about everyone. I was picky and only went out a few times, each one flavored with a delicious bitter-sweet taste of the bad date that makes a good story.

Date #1: Bike by Dating
I had set up a date with a guy named Josh. His headline on Match was "Loser Seeks Winner", but since there is rarely truth in advertising I ignored it. We had been emailing and decided to meet at a local coffee shop. He asked me to call to confirm. No problem. However when I called him he was either disoriented, high or just had a lobotomy. I want to cancel, though friends think I need to "give it a shot". I get to the cafe and he is late. I am absolutely thrilled, and I hope he doesn't show. I make a mental note that I will give him 15 minutes before taking off. 13 minutes go by, I burn my tongue drinking my hot chocolate so fast and dash out the door. I get a call about 17 minutes after the scheduled date time....
J: I'm here. Your not here.
K: I was there, but thought you werent coming.
J: I was coming, I'm here now.
K: Oh, I'm not there.
J: Do you want to come back?
K: No thanks, I think I'll head home for the night.

I am recounting this story to my sister when I need to interrupt her. "Um, hold on, he's tapping on my window now, he just pulled up on his bike." As I pull over (out of politeness), I see him pedaling away in the opposite direction.

He emailed me again to set up another date, I don't remember how I politely turned him down, but I know I did.

Date #2
Nice guy, but awkward laugh, really awkward. Infact his demeanor was quite awkward. Also he was my height and I'm barely 5'3. Awkward, awkward, awkward.

Date #3
Compulsive lip licker. I was told I was being picky about this and went on a second date with him. His constant lip licking made me think I needed to lick my lips, then the more I thought about it the more it became a compulsion for me. It was like we were playing the mirror game.

He dislikes menu items named after nonfamous people. "Who is Rachel? Why do I care about what sandwich she created?", he muses. He goes onto name several menu items that are named after people he doesn't know and why he doesn't understand them. I like sandwiches, regardless of their name, a sure sign that this will not work out.

He also itemized the bill- I had ordered a house glass of white wine and a small ceasar salad, none the less I antied up the $11. I can sum up the 2nd entire date in a text I sent to my friend Meghan, "It's not going well. I think he's a republican and he doesn't find me funny."

No matter what your political preference you should find me funny, and if you don't, you are in for a world of pain if you try to date me. Because, frankly I find me funny.

16 comments:

  1. Let's see, i had one guy who was nice enough but I wasn't interested. We parted ways and I get a call from him stating that his car had been towed and he's cold and could I drive him to the tow lot? Another guy was a compulsive ass looker. Didn't matter- man, woman, child, elderly person...he'd stare at their ass. I started laughing in his face after awhile. Another guy had hair live Jon Bon Jovi circa 1988. He was boring.

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  2. It's okay if he doesn't think you're funny, because I think you're funny. Do you know me? No. But I'm your newest follower, so get used to me!

    PS- I'm new. So, uh, [insert shameless self-promotion]. ^.^

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  3. And I thought I was the only one with the horrid dating stories from those cheesy sites!

    Glad to have stumbled on to your page. Hilarious.

    http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/

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  4. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you will not have a leg to stand on.............................................

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  5. Haha, it's okay! I am only sixteen years old and I am already convinced that I am going to live in a small musty smelling house by myself with like ten wiener dogs, allll alone. Dream big! Right?

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  6. this just made me laugh out loud! and i am sitting in class talking about the end times, so it was awkward. :|

    thanks for sharing the fruits of your misery...

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  7. LMAO....seriously funny! your dating history is so out of control. why is a funny girl still single? ironic. I have a story.
    I was talking to this male nurse...to make a long story short. My friend left me at the bar and had to call the nurse for a ride. I ended up passing out in the car. I woke up to him staring at me and shaking me saying" are you ok?" Why I said, I was sleeping? He said" because you farted" ahhhh you serious, dam nurse. Plus my mother said it does not count if you do it in your sleep.

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  8. ^^ 謝謝你的分享,祝你生活永遠多彩多姿!........................................

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