Friday, July 17, 2009

I won't be on a commercial

So a friend of mine will be getting married next August thanks to My experience was not such a fairytale. In fairness to the site, I am cynical and make fun of just about everyone. I was picky and only went out a few times, each one flavored with a delicious bitter-sweet taste of the bad date that makes a good story.

Date #1: Bike by Dating
I had set up a date with a guy named Josh. His headline on Match was "Loser Seeks Winner", but since there is rarely truth in advertising I ignored it. We had been emailing and decided to meet at a local coffee shop. He asked me to call to confirm. No problem. However when I called him he was either disoriented, high or just had a lobotomy. I want to cancel, though friends think I need to "give it a shot". I get to the cafe and he is late. I am absolutely thrilled, and I hope he doesn't show. I make a mental note that I will give him 15 minutes before taking off. 13 minutes go by, I burn my tongue drinking my hot chocolate so fast and dash out the door. I get a call about 17 minutes after the scheduled date time....
J: I'm here. Your not here.
K: I was there, but thought you werent coming.
J: I was coming, I'm here now.
K: Oh, I'm not there.
J: Do you want to come back?
K: No thanks, I think I'll head home for the night.

I am recounting this story to my sister when I need to interrupt her. "Um, hold on, he's tapping on my window now, he just pulled up on his bike." As I pull over (out of politeness), I see him pedaling away in the opposite direction.

He emailed me again to set up another date, I don't remember how I politely turned him down, but I know I did.

Date #2
Nice guy, but awkward laugh, really awkward. Infact his demeanor was quite awkward. Also he was my height and I'm barely 5'3. Awkward, awkward, awkward.

Date #3
Compulsive lip licker. I was told I was being picky about this and went on a second date with him. His constant lip licking made me think I needed to lick my lips, then the more I thought about it the more it became a compulsion for me. It was like we were playing the mirror game.

He dislikes menu items named after nonfamous people. "Who is Rachel? Why do I care about what sandwich she created?", he muses. He goes onto name several menu items that are named after people he doesn't know and why he doesn't understand them. I like sandwiches, regardless of their name, a sure sign that this will not work out.

He also itemized the bill- I had ordered a house glass of white wine and a small ceasar salad, none the less I antied up the $11. I can sum up the 2nd entire date in a text I sent to my friend Meghan, "It's not going well. I think he's a republican and he doesn't find me funny."

No matter what your political preference you should find me funny, and if you don't, you are in for a world of pain if you try to date me. Because, frankly I find me funny.


  1. Let's see, i had one guy who was nice enough but I wasn't interested. We parted ways and I get a call from him stating that his car had been towed and he's cold and could I drive him to the tow lot? Another guy was a compulsive ass looker. Didn't matter- man, woman, child, elderly person...he'd stare at their ass. I started laughing in his face after awhile. Another guy had hair live Jon Bon Jovi circa 1988. He was boring.

  2. It's okay if he doesn't think you're funny, because I think you're funny. Do you know me? No. But I'm your newest follower, so get used to me!

    PS- I'm new. So, uh, [insert shameless self-promotion]. ^.^

  3. And I thought I was the only one with the horrid dating stories from those cheesy sites!

    Glad to have stumbled on to your page. Hilarious.

  4. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you will not have a leg to stand on.............................................

  5. Haha, it's okay! I am only sixteen years old and I am already convinced that I am going to live in a small musty smelling house by myself with like ten wiener dogs, allll alone. Dream big! Right?

  6. 欣賞是一種美德~回應是最大的支持^^........................................

  7. 寂寞又無聊 看到你的BLOG 加油喔!!.........................

  8. this just made me laugh out loud! and i am sitting in class talking about the end times, so it was awkward. :|

    thanks for sharing the fruits of your misery...

  9. LMAO....seriously funny! your dating history is so out of control. why is a funny girl still single? ironic. I have a story.
    I was talking to this male make a long story short. My friend left me at the bar and had to call the nurse for a ride. I ended up passing out in the car. I woke up to him staring at me and shaking me saying" are you ok?" Why I said, I was sleeping? He said" because you farted" ahhhh you serious, dam nurse. Plus my mother said it does not count if you do it in your sleep.

  10. ^^ 謝謝你的分享,祝你生活永遠多彩多姿!........................................

  11. Unable to give you a heart. so have a reply to push up your post. ........................................