Friday, October 7, 2011

I'd watch me if I were a show.

"Most people wouldn't be able to handle this, let alone find it funny."-my friend Hubbard in reference to my recent dating disaster spree.

People put down reality TV. I can see why. Rich people get boring. However I do give major props to Kourtney Kardashian for her "People are dying," response to her sister's tears over a lost, insured $75,000 earring. I also caught a glimpse of the Situation throwing his own head into a wall and found that to be gold. With the exception of Kourtney's lessons on perspective and the Situation doing to himself what millions would like to do to him, reality TV can be monotonous.

On the other hand with a laugh track sitcom, you have to pay people to write scripts and then hire actors, and the majority of the time my actual life is more interesting. Maybe the cast is less attractive and the series lacks cliff hangers but I would say that compared to the new fall lineup on most networks, I win. Charlie Sheen like winning where you're winning a contest at failing.

I don't have a reality TV show, but I do have internet access to a free blog in which I can share my misery with others for a cheap (actually free) laugh.

I signed up for online dating which has provided an incredible amount of blogging material and not much else except a lack of sleep and faith in love.

I had a date last month at a hip bowling alley/pizza place. We agreed on 5:30. You can imagine my surprise when my phone buzzed with the text- "I'm here." at 4:20. When I said "Oh, I thought we were going to meet at 5:30", he said "whenever you're ready". While showering my phone buzzed again and the screen lit up with the question, "Should I order so the food is ready when you get here?". I wanted to call in a bomb threat to the bowling alley but technology is so good now a days that I'd probably get caught.

I arrived at 5:25 to face the lemonade sipping tiny man who made my 5'2 stature comparable to Khloe Kardashian. He also insisted we share a pizza instead of getting a pizza for one. This wouldn't have been such a big deal but he also insisted on getting a plain pizza in a place known for it's creative toppings. Let me get my own damn pizza.

The conversation was awkwardly boring with the exception of his disdain for a cancer survivor coming back to work at the hospital that helped him. "Like we need his help," he lamented. It also is painful when someone says, "I think this is going well, don't you?", and you want to through your own head into a wall like the Situation.

Luckily the date only lasted an hour, and I wished I had had him order for me to make it even quicker. He ended the date with an, "I'll call you and if you don't pick up I'll text you because I don't like to leave voicemails." He was true to his word, and while I felt stressed over letting him down, the wisdom of Kourtney rang in my ears. "There are people dying." True, this isn't a big deal and while men have taught me how to do the slow fade, I decided it was kinder to lie. "It was great to meet you, but I'm going to pursue another match. Good luck." He immediately took down his online profile and I can only hope that it's because that early bird did find his worm.

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